Thursday, May 21, 2009
Chicken....
I just do NOT have the guts to knowingly go for it this month. Sorry! LOL!
I've also been doing a lot of thinking and praying about this decision. I know some of you aren't into that, but prayer is something I depend on and definitely part of making decisions for me. Mostly I just want to make sure that my heart is in the right place... that the timing is right... that my motives are pure.
-I do NOT want having another child to be to the detriment of my two boys. I want to make sure I can manage what I have, and be patient and kind more often than not before bringing another child into the equation. Some days are so hard around here that I truly doubt my ability to divide my attention among three kids. Would a third just get lost in the shuffle? Will Ben get pushed aside because he is the independent, oldest child? Will Simon miss out by not being the baby of the family?
-I do NOT want to have another just so I get to use a favorite name... or so I get to do all the fun parts of pregnancy again. I love telling people the news, I love the first doctor's appointment, the ultrasounds, I love finding out what we're having, I love coming up with the name, I love taking belly pictures and blogging through labor. But all those things are NOT good reasons to have another child.
-I do NOT want to have another just to please other people. I'm a people pleaser anyway and we do get egged on a LOT by people to have a third. I sometimes wonder if I only want another child because I know it would make grandparents happy.
-I do NOT want to have another just to recreate my husband's family. I find myself drawn toward the idea of having three boys, three years apart, exactly like Tom's family. Not only do I think this is cool, I know it would thrill my MIL and she is in such a sad place in her life right now that it's hard not to want to give her good news. See above about me being a people pleaser. (sigh)
-I do NOT want to have another just to see if we get a girl. You all know where I stand on this... three boys, two boys and a girl, whatever God wants for us is fine with me. But part of the fun is finding out the sex and guessing beforehand. (see bullet #2)... I don't want to get sucked into that as my reason for getting pregnant again!
Gah. Some would say I think about things too much. But I figure it's probably a good thing that I'm overanalyzing this. This is a child I'm talking about bringing into this house, not new furniture. I want to do what's best for our family, my marriage, the two children I have and this potential addition to our family... if we never have more it's not like my life will be totally lacking in new babies. I'm certain there are more nieces and/or nephews in my future from one or both of my SILs... and there is always my brother although... yeah, let's just not go there right now. (shudder)
Anyway, we'll see... but that's what's on my mind lately.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking and praying about this decision. I know some of you aren't into that, but prayer is something I depend on and definitely part of making decisions for me. Mostly I just want to make sure that my heart is in the right place... that the timing is right... that my motives are pure.
-I do NOT want having another child to be to the detriment of my two boys. I want to make sure I can manage what I have, and be patient and kind more often than not before bringing another child into the equation. Some days are so hard around here that I truly doubt my ability to divide my attention among three kids. Would a third just get lost in the shuffle? Will Ben get pushed aside because he is the independent, oldest child? Will Simon miss out by not being the baby of the family?
-I do NOT want to have another just so I get to use a favorite name... or so I get to do all the fun parts of pregnancy again. I love telling people the news, I love the first doctor's appointment, the ultrasounds, I love finding out what we're having, I love coming up with the name, I love taking belly pictures and blogging through labor. But all those things are NOT good reasons to have another child.
-I do NOT want to have another just to please other people. I'm a people pleaser anyway and we do get egged on a LOT by people to have a third. I sometimes wonder if I only want another child because I know it would make grandparents happy.
-I do NOT want to have another just to recreate my husband's family. I find myself drawn toward the idea of having three boys, three years apart, exactly like Tom's family. Not only do I think this is cool, I know it would thrill my MIL and she is in such a sad place in her life right now that it's hard not to want to give her good news. See above about me being a people pleaser. (sigh)
-I do NOT want to have another just to see if we get a girl. You all know where I stand on this... three boys, two boys and a girl, whatever God wants for us is fine with me. But part of the fun is finding out the sex and guessing beforehand. (see bullet #2)... I don't want to get sucked into that as my reason for getting pregnant again!
Gah. Some would say I think about things too much. But I figure it's probably a good thing that I'm overanalyzing this. This is a child I'm talking about bringing into this house, not new furniture. I want to do what's best for our family, my marriage, the two children I have and this potential addition to our family... if we never have more it's not like my life will be totally lacking in new babies. I'm certain there are more nieces and/or nephews in my future from one or both of my SILs... and there is always my brother although... yeah, let's just not go there right now. (shudder)
Anyway, we'll see... but that's what's on my mind lately.
# posted by Erin @ 12:36 PM 
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I remember feeling that way and also really examining my motives. I too felt the pull for another because I wanted to do the "fun" stuff you mentioned, wanted to have 3 kids like my parents/IL's, and as a pleaser as well.
I guess my biggest detriment was more about if I was going to be able to survive the first year - the physical, emotional and exhausting time. I agonized over having to go back to work and leave another baby and over the fact that I'd be pumping 3 times a day again, something I loathe.
But what it came down to with me was if someone were able to tell me my future and that my future only had 2 kids, how would I feel? And it made me feel sad. Not sad b/c I didn't get to use a name, share my pregnancy, or make someone happy - I was sad because I knew there was still a spot in my heart for him/her. (And it's certainly not that I didn't have a full heart with the 2 I had, I just knew there was 1 more in there for me.) If you can look forward and see you and Tom with just Ben and Simon and not have any regrets, then 2 may be what you ultimately want.
But one thing I will say is that my transition from 2 to 3 was MUCH easier than 1 to 2. I was haunted by my experience when Bryce was born. In fact, I had more anxiety about that then anything else. And with Piper, it was practically a non-issue. It was like we hit the ground running and I've heard from a lot of moms of 3 or more that was how it was for them too.
I think it's also really hard when you're in this position b/c the baby isn't a reality yet and you have the chance to really think about it. If I'd been given the choice, I wouldn't have had Caroline and baby #2 so close together, but it just happened and I'm so glad it did b/c we didn't have the chance to think, it was just GO!
I'm honestly not trying to sway you in either direction. Having 3 does have it's tough days and I have my worries about how they are all being affected by our family situation. But there are so many other factors that make us who we are that we have no control over. I just try and hope for the best.
However you come to your decision, I hope that you can be at peace with it. You're a great mom and whether you have 2 or 3, it doesn't matter. Your kids will get enough love.
I guess my biggest detriment was more about if I was going to be able to survive the first year - the physical, emotional and exhausting time. I agonized over having to go back to work and leave another baby and over the fact that I'd be pumping 3 times a day again, something I loathe.
But what it came down to with me was if someone were able to tell me my future and that my future only had 2 kids, how would I feel? And it made me feel sad. Not sad b/c I didn't get to use a name, share my pregnancy, or make someone happy - I was sad because I knew there was still a spot in my heart for him/her. (And it's certainly not that I didn't have a full heart with the 2 I had, I just knew there was 1 more in there for me.) If you can look forward and see you and Tom with just Ben and Simon and not have any regrets, then 2 may be what you ultimately want.
But one thing I will say is that my transition from 2 to 3 was MUCH easier than 1 to 2. I was haunted by my experience when Bryce was born. In fact, I had more anxiety about that then anything else. And with Piper, it was practically a non-issue. It was like we hit the ground running and I've heard from a lot of moms of 3 or more that was how it was for them too.
I think it's also really hard when you're in this position b/c the baby isn't a reality yet and you have the chance to really think about it. If I'd been given the choice, I wouldn't have had Caroline and baby #2 so close together, but it just happened and I'm so glad it did b/c we didn't have the chance to think, it was just GO!
I'm honestly not trying to sway you in either direction. Having 3 does have it's tough days and I have my worries about how they are all being affected by our family situation. But there are so many other factors that make us who we are that we have no control over. I just try and hope for the best.
However you come to your decision, I hope that you can be at peace with it. You're a great mom and whether you have 2 or 3, it doesn't matter. Your kids will get enough love.
Erika, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who has pondered all of these things re: a third child... thinks about their motives and whatnot.
Even Tom has said (as much as he dreads the challenges of the first year) that he realizes our family isn't complete yet. I guess we both kind of wish we could skip over the sleepless part of it... LOL. But it is what it is... and you get through it.
My heart says three... it's funny. I even already think of our family in terms of three kids. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like someone was missing or I was forgetting someone when Ben and Simon are right there in front of me! Anyway, it's my brain that says it'll be too much, too hard. Generally, I follow my heart... just need to get the brain on board.
Anyway, thanks for your input... you are a mom I respect and who has btdt and your thoughts mean a lot! :)
Even Tom has said (as much as he dreads the challenges of the first year) that he realizes our family isn't complete yet. I guess we both kind of wish we could skip over the sleepless part of it... LOL. But it is what it is... and you get through it.
My heart says three... it's funny. I even already think of our family in terms of three kids. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like someone was missing or I was forgetting someone when Ben and Simon are right there in front of me! Anyway, it's my brain that says it'll be too much, too hard. Generally, I follow my heart... just need to get the brain on board.
Anyway, thanks for your input... you are a mom I respect and who has btdt and your thoughts mean a lot! :)
I'm glad my overly long post didn't bug you. I just went through the same struggle so recently myself I wanted you to know you aren't alone in all the things you're thinking. I remember I wrote a whole blog entry on making the decision about not having a 3rd. I was going gungho trying to convince myself we were done and being happy about never having to pump again or have sleepless nights. And of course now, with hindsight, I realize it wasn't as bad as I was projecting.
It sounds like you are really leaning in the 3 direction and I hope that you can get to a time/place where you know it's right. For those of us that take our lives and our plans so darn seriously, it's definitely harder to take the plunge. But as my mom always told me when I tended to over think things, people like you have "too many safety nets to ever really fail." We're the types when given a challenging situation figure it out and usually do a pretty good job of making it work. Sure, there's a lot of stress and anxiety thrown in there, but usually the final product is pretty darn good. :)
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It sounds like you are really leaning in the 3 direction and I hope that you can get to a time/place where you know it's right. For those of us that take our lives and our plans so darn seriously, it's definitely harder to take the plunge. But as my mom always told me when I tended to over think things, people like you have "too many safety nets to ever really fail." We're the types when given a challenging situation figure it out and usually do a pretty good job of making it work. Sure, there's a lot of stress and anxiety thrown in there, but usually the final product is pretty darn good. :)
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